Priorities

I am 20 years old.
That is two decades of life.
I am a man, sort of.
I am a man in the fact that I have all the correct male appendages,
I can be drafted and sent to fight wars,
I can be tried as an adult,
and I passed the age of 18, barely.

I am also a boy, sort of.
I am a boy in that I still read comic books,
I still fantasize about being in a rock band,
I sing in the shower (and car),
I still have trouble expressing how I feel.

I have a wealth of family and friends.
I have a beautiful son who is growing up faster than I can comprehend.
I live on my own in an apartment, sort of.

I love my life.
I am humbled and grateful for the things I have experienced.
There is a rift though.
I know I am on the cusp of something life altering and possibly heartbreaking.
This is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I am just now learning to like myself again.
This is the first time in a long time.

I have this best friend (the best human being I have ever known), she told me once:
"Work on making yourself happy before you try making anyone else that way."

Now that I am finally starting to make myself happy,
I could not be more confused about my life and what it means.

With all the confusion though,
this man-boy is appreciative of the small things:
a hand to hold,
a bed to share occasionally,
random texts,
and an individual who, for whatever reason, doesn't ever count him out.

15 Step

How come I end up where I started?
How come I end up where I went wrong?
Won't take my eyes off the ball again
You reel me out then you cut the string

How come I end up where I started?
How come I end up where I went wrong?
I won't take my eyes off the ball again
First you reel me out and then you cut the string

You used to be all right
What happened?
Did the cat get your tongue?
Did your string come undone?

One by one
In procession
It comes to us all
It's as soft as your pillow

You used to be all right
What happened?
Et cetera, et cetera
Fads for whatever
Fifteen steps
Then a sheer drop

How come I end up where I started?
How can I end up where I went wrong?
Won't take my eyes off the ball again
You reel me out and you cut the string

Want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.

I spent the last 24 hours alone. I hadn't planned this, it just sort of happened. It was a good experience. You never realize how much you need people until they aren't around. It also gave me plenty of time to reflect and put things in perspective.

All my friends are forward thinking, getting hitched and quitting drinking.

Congrats to those who are moving forward with their lives and doing exciting things. I feel like I just keep repeating old mistakes. Its still spring though and I'm told it is a season of rebirth. Hopefully it will give me a new direction and help resurrect some old friendships as well as start some new ones. I am excited for the challenge.